What shall we say then...?

     Okay, this might be one of those TMI blogs.  No, I'm not going to talk about my biggest secret - I don't think I have one.  However, I am going to share an ugly truth... “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out” (Romans 7:18). 

      I know I am not as close with God as I have been in the past.  Because I have allowed my busy life to interfere with my relationship with Jesus, I find I struggle with what Romans 7:18 says.  Who says the Bible isn't applicable to life today clearly hasn't read it.  So, I don't know if I am the only one struggling with wanting to do good, but when I look around, I find "for what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing" (Romans 7:19).  In fact, last night (Saturday) I griped at my daughter in a very negative way.  Did she do something worthy of being griped at?  Sure.  Did she deserve the ugliness of my griping?  NO.  Yes, I did apologize, but what good is that after I have already done the damage?  

     Then, she and I go to church.  I come home, and my husband grips at me.  In return, what do I do?  Show the love of Jesus?  Nope!  I cursed!  Seriously, I just came back from church, but here I am cursing at my husband whom I love.  What is wrong with me?  As I contemplated my actions, all I could think of was the chapter of Romans I had memorized as a youngster...Romans 7.  "So I find this law at work: when I want to do good, evil is right there with me" (Romans 7:21).  This struggle is exactly what I find my life, at least at home, being full of. 

    To share the rest of the chapter, and what I feel everyday:  "For in my inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the member of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.  What a wretched man I am!  Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin" (Romans 7:23 - 25).

    I know Jesus dies on the cross to set me free from this internal war.  I know He has the power to free me; however, I must submit to Him, and allow Him the ability to direct my paths.  This is my prayer.  Nonetheless, I have found as I grow older I am prideful; I want to be in control; I think I am right (most of the time); and I don't want to be walked all over again.  However, God has not called me to be full of prinde; He has called me to humble myself (James 4:10).  He has not called me to be in control; He has called me to be self-controlled (1 Peter 4:7).  He has not called me to be right; He has called me to share His truth and leave "right" to Him (Isaiah 55:9).  He has not called me to be defensive with others; being broken and mistreated does not give me the right to not forgive others who mistreat me (Matthew 18:21-22).

    So, I will do what I know to do - read my Bible, pray, and surround myself with other believers who will support me and hold me accountable.  I want to be close to God; however, He never moved from me - I moved away from Him. Thus, I must do the work to get back the relationship I used to have.  I’m lucky enough that Jesus doesn't hold my past behavior against me.  He is still there waiting for me to come back.  Just as the father waited for the prodigal son (you knew I would reference that eventually - right?  Luke 15).  God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good! 

     So, I leave you with one final verse that scared me because I don't want to be this person... (are we in these days?)  2 Timothy 3:1-17 states: 

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.  For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.  Avoid such people.